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I promised myself I'd get around to joining this comm, and here I am. Woo!

... Although by now the community is distinctly starting to resemble a zombie. Oh well.

If this MST got a little acrid, sorry. I just really hate it when someone decides to solve all the Doctor's emotional problems by tossing in a Mary-Sue Time Lord character. Also my SECOND MST EVAR, and the first one in this fandom.

Both the fic and the MST contain spoilers for S3, though, so beware.

(The TARDIS. The Doctor is currently wading through reams of web pages on the console’s monitor.)
Doctor: ... I did WHAT with the sonic screwdriver? (pause, more clicking) Oh, look... this one has ILLUSTRATIONS.
(Enter Martha.)
Doctor: Martha. Help me. The erotic fiction... It’s everywhere. I can’t escape.
Martha: Rule 34 of the Internet. “If it exists, there is porn of it. No exceptions.”
Doctor: I never would have pegged you for a /b/tard.
Martha: You only had me for one season. There’s plenty you don’t know about me.
(The Doctor continues browsing.)
Doctor: Look, this one’s got a K rating. That can’t possibly contain a sex scene, right?
Martha: Unless the “K” stands for “Kinky.”
(The Doctor pauses and looks at Martha funny.)
Doctor: You’ve gotten weirder since I last saw you.
Martha: Blame Torchwood.
Doctor: Got it.

The Doctor sat dangling his legs over the pier as he watched the sea swirl underneath him. He wasn’t really thinking about anything; he didn’t want to think. 

Doctor: Wouldn’t my not wanting to think about anything lead me to think about not wanting to think about anything, therefore negating the not thinking about anything?
Martha: You’re second-guessing your fic!self. Stop it.

He closed his eyes and saw the master dying in his arms; now he really was the last of the Time Lords. 

Doctor: Needs a capital on Master. 

He sighed and wondered what Martha was up to; he took the phone she had given him out of his pocket and stared at it as if looking at it would make it ring. He had heard whispers that she was working with Captain Jack. He hoped she was happy. 

Martha: Whispers from who? Torchwood is supposed to be top-secret, remember? 

He smiled sadly and turned to go back to the Tardis when he sensed it; sensed her; but it was impossible that it was her; she was dead. 

Doctor: Someone needs to slap a gigantic sign on these websites. Something along the lines of, “Semicolon Abuse is Punishable by Death.”
Martha: It’s actually refreshing, compared to the more common comma abuse.
Doctor: ...
Martha: Good God, I’ve become desensitized. 

“Doctor?” she sighed in a light Irish accent. She was about five foot four with long black hair with the hint of a curl and deep hazel green eyes; 

Doctor: I will never understand bad!fic authors’ obsession with bloated descriptions. And again with the semicolons. 

she wore a skirt that suited the early twentieth century with a Sex Pistols T-shirt and a pair of white Nikes poking out from underneath her skirt. 

Doctor: That product placement was about as subtle as the Transformers movie. 
Martha: As subtle as the product placement in the movie? 
Doctor: No, as subtle as the explosions.

He looked at her and wondered how he knew this young woman, she looked familiar but he knew he had never seen her face before; then he knew her; she had to be a dream; he had seen her so many times in his dreams and there she stood. 

Martha: I thought you didn’t sleep, Doctor.
Doctor: (awkward pause) Look! More semicolons!

“You can not be here.” He gasped tears catching in his throat; 

Martha: There’ so many things wrong with that collection of words that I won’t even mention them. 

as he came closer to her, but he knew she was her; 

Doctor: That... was unintentionally deep. 

she was a Time Lord; the one Time Lord he dreamt about each night; the one he missed most. 

Doctor: Susan. Is it Susan? Please tell me it’s Susan.
Martha: Who’s Susan?
Doctor: (another awkward pause) Look! Even more semicolons! 

“Neither should you. Maybe we should go into the Tardis and I shall explain. 

Martha: I am secretly a robot that has come to destroy you. I am incapable of using contractions.
Doctor: Please don’t say “contractions.” I spent most of yesterday reading babyfics, and I think I’ve developed a Pavlovian “kill” response to any word involving childbirth.

I have been looking for you for quite some time. You are a hard man to pin down.” 

Martha: Especially when you do that jumping-dancing thing. 

She said smiling slightly. This perplexed the Doctor even more. 

Doctor: That sentence certainly is perplexing. 

“I’ll explain everything, you wouldn’t have some tea. 

Doctor: Because... tea... means... that I wouldn’t understand? What?
Martha: I think there was supposed to be a question mark there.

I have travelled such a very long way.” She said as he slowly led the way to the Tardis keeping an eye on the woman as if he even blinked she would vanish and he would be alone again. 

Both: ... What? 

“You are dead!” he gasped as he led her into the Tardis. 

Martha: Doctor, are you threatening a lady? 

She had a new face but he knew it was her. 

Doctor: We still don’t have a name yet. Please tell me it’s Susan. 

“Funny that isn’t it; 

Martha: You know, it’s weird that the TARDIS doesn’t translate fic-author-language into English.
Doctor: I think it’s too broken and mangled to be understood even on a telepathic level.

but I’m not all that dead.” She smiled; it was the same smile he hadn’t seen in too many long years; but saw every night in his dreams. 

Doctor: But I don’t sleep that much!
Martha: Maybe “dreams” implies something else entirely.
Doctor: NO. They promised this would be a kids’ fic.

“How?” he asked as he handed her a cup and saucer. She stirred the amber tea and smiled he had remembered the lemon; 

Martha: “and smiled he had remembered the lemon.” It’s a 4chan meme in the making. 

even after all this time such an insignificant detail was remembered.
“Do you remember when we were oh twenty or so; 

Doctor: See, in the English language, leading zeros don’t have to be mentioned when reading a number aloud. 020 can be simply pronounced as “20”.
Martha: I think this is just another case of missing punctuation, Doctor.
Doctor: ... Oh. Carry on, then.

and we got into the high councillors Titan rum. Still the worst hangover I’ve ever had.” 

Doctor: No, no, no. No. One of the Time Lords’ more practical powers is the ability to drink as much alcohol as we want without getting hung over.
Martha: Really? I’ll have to test that someday.
Doctor: ...

She laughed.
“How?” he asked again as he knelt before her; his eyes still fixed on her. 

Martha: You’re actually kneeling in front of a woman. This must be some girl.
Martha: If it later reveals you have a ring in your hand, I’m out of here.

“I was the guardian in the Genesis Ark; so like those Daeleks 

Martha: What on Earth is a Daelek? A genetically-engineered squid in a pepper pot that speaks with an Irish accent?

I survived, when they escaped so did I; but I got stuck in the Cardiff rift. There my Tardis got me out when you came back to top up. 

Martha: This is so utterly implausible that it’s actually funny.
Doctor: What’s the logic behind that? Where was her TARDIS hiding the whole time, anyway?
Martha: Maybe the chameleon circuit actually worked and it attached itself to your TARDIS in the form of—I don’t know—a tomato can.
Doctor: Tomato can?
Martha: Yeah.
Doctor: The sad part is, that makes more sense than this fic.

When I got out I put myself under a perception block because the Master was well you know; 

Both: No, we don’t. 

he found me though and I was toast; then puff I was back. 

Martha: Are Time Lords supposed to talk like that? I mean, before she was talking all formal and in big words, and now she’s using slang.
Doctor: Toast puffs. I now have a craving for toast puffs. 

Your work I guess. Nice by the way; but the dramatics were always your style.” She smiled; he continued to look at her in awe. 

Doctor: Awww.
Martha: ...

“I had a hand in it but it was really my companion; she did all the work.” He mused, thinking of that lost year where it had all been up to Martha, and she had excelled. 

Martha: Told you. I’m awesome. Even the fic author agrees.
Doctor: Ssh. 

“And Susan did she survive?” She asked her head bowed wanting an answer but afraid of it too. He rocked back on his feet and sighed; he had tried not to think about Susan and her family in a long time. 

Martha: So it’s not Susan.
Doctor: DO NOT WANT.

“Gone; like all the others.” He sighed sadly. 

Doctor: I do not sigh this much. Do I look like a teenage girl to you?
Martha: Well, if you look at that one picture at the right angle...

“I had hoped she would survive her father was human; 

Martha: She needed to survive her father?
Doctor: I don’t get it. Do the authors figure that abusing punctuation in the first few paragraphs means they can neglect it for the rest of the fic? 

I thought that would save her. Oh my god; so it’s true; we have lost them all.” 

Doctor: But Time Lords don’t believe in God. God is dead.
Martha: Thank you for that daily Nietzsche report.

He voice dipped and tears swam in her eyes. 

Doctor: Wearing tiny little tear-designed life jackets, because they’re poor swimmers. 

He took her gently into his arms and felt her hearts beating, her breath on his neck. This wasn’t a dream; she was really here in his arms. He never dreamt of such a thing happening 

Martha: Apparently you did, according to the lengthy paragraphs above this one.
Doctor: ... No comment.

Suddenly as the sad silence descended upon them; a key turned in the door of the Tardis. 

Martha: (cackles) Busted! 

Both heads shot up and she wiped her eyes as he stood alert. Without knowing it they had taken hold of each others hands and he had step in front of her protectively. They looked at the door as Martha poked her head around it. 

Doctor: The plot thickens.
Martha: Of course you have to stand in front of her protectively. She was a guard on a prison ship, she can’t POSSIBLY take care of herself. (rolls eyes.) 

“Oh I didn’t think you had company.” Martha said looking at the woman who stood next to the Doctor; ‘she’s pretty I suppose’ she thought to herself trying to bury the tinge of jealousy. 

Doctor: How does realizing the girl is pretty help with jealousy? I would think it would just aggravate the problem.
Martha: I thought I left the TARDIS to cure throwing myself at you? 

“Martha! Oh my god it’s great to see you.” He gushed with genuine joy; he rushed to her and took her in a rib crunching embrace. 

Doctor: I do not injure companions to show affection!
Martha: (sorting through some older pages) According to these porn fics involving Jack, you do.
Doctor: (blanches)

“Martha I would like you to met The Guardian, my mate.” 

Both: ... Who? 

He said ‘My Mate’ he never thought he would say those words again; nor had he thought he would sense her near him again. But the words rolled so easily of his tongue as if he’d said them a thousand times a day. 

Doctor: I can think of far more words that roll off my tongue easier. A lot of the ones I’m thinking of now have four letters each. 

“When you say mate, are we using slang, like this is my mate Dave?” Martha said softly okay she had Matt now but this was The Doctor. 

Doctor: That is one lengthy sentence. Wait, who’s Matt?
Martha: I’m... not... sure.

“Well back on Gallifrey she and I were; I suppose by your concept married.” The Doctor sighed looking back at the young woman. She was pretty; she looked a bit like a young Mae West; same bee sting lips and sultry Bette Davis eyes. 

Doctor: Bloody hell, it’s another Mary Sue fic.
Martha: I knew this was coming. Somehow, I knew it was coming.
Doctor: I refuse to read any further. You can continue this commentary with my stand-in. (exits.)

“You must be the saviour of the world; The Doctor here has been telling me some amazing things about you. I owe my life to you. And you can call me Dia; the Guardian, is too formal.” 

Martha: That comma is so lost. And how do you get “Dia” from “Guardian”?
Doctor’s Stand-In: (Says nothing, as he is a stuffed ferret with a sign that reads, “Doctor” around his neck.)
Martha: ... This could get weird.

Dia said shaking Martha’s hand softly. 

Martha: If there’s anything I hate more than metal footballs, it’s weak handshakes.
Doctor’s Stand-In: Dude, I know!
(Martha yelps, jumps three feet straight up in the air, and looks around.)

As much as Martha hated to admit it; there was something about the woman she liked; her eyes were old and kind like the Doctor’s. 

Doctor’s Stand-In: And yet she dresses like a sixteen-year-old from the early seventies.
Martha: (eyes the ferret suspiciously.)

“Married!” Martha gasped. He had never mentioned that; but then he never really spoke about his life before the Time War. 

(The Doctor enters again.)
Doctor: That is not true. I told Martha more than I told Rose, now that I think about it. Is it over yet?
Doctor’s Stand-In: Not yet.
Martha: Your ferret is talking.
Doctor: Is it, now? (exits.)

“Oh we, The Doctor and I we were literally mated at the age of eight when we entered the academy. 

Martha: I’m getting a distinct pedo vibe from that sentence.
Doctor’s Stand-In: Good thing I don’t log page visits, or the authorities would be all over us.
Authorities: (enter) Oh, we know. (exit.)

Then I had to teach him everything I knew; it’s a hard job but you know that we girls are always smarter.” Dia smiled as she linked Martha’s arm. 

Doctor’s Stand-In: I find that stereotypical and offensive.
Martha: And accurate.
Doctor’s Stand-In: ... And accurate. So, not only is the Mary-Sue a wife, she’s also smarter than the Doctor. Er... Me.

Yes as much as she wanted to dislike the woman Martha was starting to like the new Time Lord.
“You didn’t teach me everything! Just to think outside the box.” The doctor sighed being to love the sound of the Irish lilt in her voice. 

Martha: So a major character trait was, in fact, ingrained in the Doctor's psyche by a Mary-Sue. This is a whole new level of... something. 

“All you do is think outside the box!” Martha smiled as Dia chuckled and looked back at the Doctor.
‘My wife; the only woman in the entire universe that knows my name and I the only one that knows hers. Our children are dead our grandchildren too. Of all the time lords to have been the guardian I should have known it would have been her but I never thought. She is mine and I am hers. My Dia. I am not alone. 

Doctor’s Stand-In: I think I just became a diabetic. 

He thought softly as he watched the two women talking softly over cups of tea. 

Martha: Enough with the “softly”! I impose a moratorium on “softly.”
Doctor’s Stand-In: Is that even a word?
Martha: Well, it just got past the spell check.

He smiled at them his tiny new family Jack could be there too the arrogant but sweet son in law. 

Martha: Except that, you know, he has a JOB. Saving the world and such. Speaking of which... 

Sons and Daughters he had had them once the real biological kind; so had Dia; their loss had hurt her and he saw it in her eyes; was their loss evident in his. 

Doctor’s Stand-In: “See my life through your own eyes, as your life will be seen through mine. The son becomes the father, and the father...the son.”
Martha: How are you even talking, anyway?
Doctor’s Stand-In: My vocalizations are, in fact, a hallucination brought on by extreme stress and the smoke that the computer’s giving off, seeing as it’s been operational for twelve straight days.
Martha: ... I see.

He watched Dia slowly playing with the long dark strands that fell around her shoulders. How many times had she regenerated? What was life like on the Genesis Arc; her alone for all that time with the Darleks? He shuddered to think what was she had gone through. 

Martha: The author still can’t get “Daleks” right. It’s not that difficult a word. There's a "Da" and then a "leks."

‘I can still hear you. You know.’ He had nearly forgotten the fact that their link was so strong that they could read each others mind. 

Doctor’s Stand-In: MIND-READING Mary-Sue. This gets worse and worse.
Martha: I’m beginning to think I should leave too...
Doctor’s Stand-In: Don’t you dare. 

‘I’m sorry darling; but you knew I would worry about what you went through?’ He turned and looked at her and she turned slowly and smiled at him. ‘I always loved that about you; you missed me.’ She telepathically said. ‘You missed me too.’ He sighed; a smile which barely reached his eyes now blazed in them. Martha looked at them and couldn’t help but smile. He looked so happy; the last time he looked this happy he had been John Smith, human and in love. 

Martha: Before he realized he was an artificial person and started crying like a twelve-year-old girl in black makeup. 

‘Oh still as egotistical.’ He felt the laughter in her voice that soft teasing he had always loved was back. 

Martha: That’s it, I’m out of here.
Doctor’s Stand-In: Nooo!

“I take it you two can talk other ways?” Martha smiled knowingly as she watched the two Time Lords lock eyes. 

(Martha exits.)
Doctor’s Stand-In: Wait... If my being alive was just her hallucination, and now she’s gone... (falls over.) 



( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
Jul. 13th, 2007 10:11 am (UTC)
yay! someone came and breathed some life into the zombie! :) Thanks for posting this. This is the best way to read bad fic.
Jul. 13th, 2007 12:02 pm (UTC)
It's aliiiiiive!
Seriously, only way I could read this was with the MST. Their link is so strong they can read each others minds but he never noticed her before? And he's been travelling for 900 years without a mention of her, I'd give him a slap in the face and a bill for child maintainence.
Jul. 15th, 2007 02:29 am (UTC)
I would actually pay money to see that.
Jul. 14th, 2007 06:41 am (UTC)
I'm surprised this com kicked the bucket in the first place. DW and MST3K? YOU CAN'T LOSE!
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )


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