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Little Jack And The Big Bad Gwen 2

Fic contains: Lack of proper characterization, lack of backstory, lack of sense, Jack/Doctor/Ianto
MST contains: Jack/Ianto, Jack/Doctor, Own/Tosh, Janet the Weevil, liberal use of tranquilizers

This is my first MST of any kind. It's done in collaboration with my darling friend Tate, and her darling friend Tessa. Hope you enjoy it as much as we do.

When Owen came in half an hour later, he was carrying a plastic bag.

Owen: It held Gwen's body.

He saw Ianto tidying the kitchen, and Tosh doing her research to find anything that might help with her jury rigging operation. There was no sign of the other two though.

Owen: We have a kitchen in the Hub?
Tosh: I thought there was just that little corner with Ianto's coffeepot in it.
Doctor: You learn something new everyday.

“Where’s the Doctor and the munchkin?” He asked.
“In the TARDIS. The Doctor is checking that his wrist has fully healed. They’ll be back in a bit. Did you have any trouble getting rid of Gwen?” Ianto asked.
“No, dozy bint.” Owen sneered, wondering what he had ever seen in the woman. He held the bag he carried out to Ianto.

Owen: I don't talk like that. And I know what I saw in her. It wasn't her personality. [leers]
Doctor: [eyeroll] You're almost as bad as Jack. Except not as cute.
Owen & Tosh: [eyebrow]
Doctor: Did I say that last bit out loud? [shifty eyes] Oh, look, the bad!fic!

“Um, some coloring books, and pencils, for the kid.”

Owen: Who's talking?
Doctor: I think you are.
Tosh: But he was just talking on the line before. You don't need to break for a new paragraph if the same person is talking.

“Why don’t you give them to him yourself?”
“Nah, wouldn’t want to scare him.”
“Owen, he won’t bite. He is in fact considerably less dangerous than his adult self, and you never had any qualms about hacking him off.”

Owen: Hacking him off? I was never violent enough to remove any of his limbs. Shoot him through the head, sure, but-
Doctor: You did what?!
Owen: Well, it didn't take!

“Yeah, maybe. Look, Ianto, I never really had much to do with kids, but the few times I have, we came to an understanding, they hated me, I stayed clear of them. Worked all around.”

Owen: I'll have you know, children never hated me. I could never get rid of the blasted things.
Doctor: [looks disapproving]

Ianto laughed and took the bag from Owen.
“Thank you. I’ll make sure he gets them.”
“Who gets what?” The Doctor asked, wandering back out of the TARDIS. Raiko was walking just behind him now, one hand gripping the long trench coat to keep contact.
“Owen got some coloring books and pencils for Raiko.”
“That’s very nice. Why don’t you show him how to use them while I have a quick word with Ianto,” The Doctor said, kneeling in front of Raiko before Owen could object.

Doctor: Not sure I'd trust you to buy something child appropriate.
Owen: [rolls eyes] Yes, we sell pornographic colouring books.
Doctor: You do. Starting around, oh, the fourty-third century, I think.
Owen: And is this the fourty-third century? No, it's the twenty-first. Therefore, those are normal child appropriate colouring books.
Tosh: You're both aware that this isn't real, right?
Doctor and Owen: [look uncomfortable]

//This is Owen, he has something new to show you. Ianto and I will be just over there. OK?//
//Yes, Owen. Is that all right?//

Owen: The 'e' in my name is pronounced the same as the 'e' in 'yes'. Why can't he pronounce it right both times?

The Doctor hid a smirk at the flustered look on Owen’s face as he transferred the small hand into Owen’s. He watched for a moment as Owen led Raiko over to the low table in the break area, then he took Ianto off to the side.
“Is something wrong with him?” Ianto asked, alarmed.
“No, don’t panic. I just, I had a thought, while I was checking his wrist. What do you know about when he was growing up?”

Tosh: None of us know a thing.
Doctor: Apparently, in this universe, you all know quite a bit more than you should. All of it completely and utterly wrong.

“Not much. Weren’t they still settling the colony then?”

Doctor: What colony?

“Yeah. Tough life, and if he hadn’t been so bright, he’d still be there. We should take him away.”
“Where did you have in mind?”
“The seaside. An old friend of mine has a guest house in Southend. He won’t mind if we park the TARDIS in his garage.”

Owen: Or you could just go to a hotel.
Doctor: Or I could, you know, use my time machine to pop a couple weeks into the future.

“Alistair Leithbridge-Stewart.”
“Er, the former head of UNIT? You know he and Jack never really got along, right?”

Doctor: By the time Jack had risen to a position of power in Torchwood, Alistair would have already retired. They'd never have even met!
Tosh: Calm.

“Well, this isn’t Jack, is it. Raiko is five Ianto, and he doesn’t speak English, I don’t see him and Alistair having much in the way of arguments. What do you think?”

Doctor: No, it's certainly not Jack.

“If you’re sure it will be all right, I don’t see why not.”
“Great, I’ll go and give Alistair a ring then.” The Doctor bounded off, and Ianto shook his head, hoping this wouldn’t be a disaster.

Tosh: Never going to happen.

He wandered over to where Owen was watching Raiko coloring carefully in the book. The sky was green, the grass purple, and the clouds pink.
“Interesting color choices,” Owen commented to Ianto.
“Hmm. Doctor look at this,” he said, feeling his lover step up behind him.

Doctor: I am not his lover! I've never even met him!
Tosh: Last warning!

The Doctor kissed the back of Ianto’s neck gently, then crouched down beside Raiko, straightening out his mussed hair gently.
“That’s accurate, well, as much as possible with the colors available to him on Earth,” he said, smiling down at Raiko as the boy grinned brightly up at him.

Tosh: But light is only visible on a certain spectrum. There are only so many colour choices. What do you mean on Earth?

//That’s very good.//
//Home,// the boy said, his tone a little sad.
//I know.//
“What did the Brigadier say?” Ianto asked.

Owen: Talk about a topic change.

“He said we were welcome any time.” //Raiko, we have to get you more clothes. We’re going on a seaside holiday.//
//What Seaside?//

Doctor: That's not grammatically correct in any language.

//You’ll see. A new adventure.// The Doctor promised him.
“Come on, off to the shops we go. Clothes for him, bucket and spade, beach ball.” The Doctor said brightly. Ianto grinned at the enthusiasm, and nodded.

Tosh: That list is in the wrong order, and missing both words and punctuation.
Doctor: You expected differently?
Tosh: At this point? No.

“Let’s go then.”
Raiko tensed as soon as they were outside. The sky was the wrong color, the ground was strange, there was a funny smell in the air, and there were so many people, so much noise as they walked, and talked on their phones, and to each other.

Tosh: Clumsy phrasing.

The Doctor quickly scooped him up, and Raiko hid his face in the Doctor’s shoulder, pressing his hands to his ears.
//Hey, easy, it’s all right. Nothing can hurt you while we’re with you.//
//Loud, bright, nasty.// Raiko whimpered.

Owen: Yep, that's Earth. We make young children cry.
Doctor: Every day. But you also make them laugh, much more frequently.
Owen: I hate optimism.
Doctor: I hadn't noticed.

The Doctor headed for a bench on the edge of the plass, sitting down and cuddling the child to him as Ianto watched in alarm.

Doctor: Because I'm cuddling Young Jack? Does he think I'm a pedophile?
Tosh: How old are you, Doctor?
Doctor: Um. . .I've lost count, actually. Somewhere between nine and eleven hundred.
Tosh: And how old are all the people you-
Doctor: That's not fair! You people only get so old!

“What’s wrong?” Ianto asked.
“Its all right, it’s just a bit much for him, he’ll be fine.”
“Should we get him back inside?”
“No,” The Doctor said, rocking the child gently.
“He has very acute senses. By the time he was four, he had learned to filter out the worst of the sensory input unless he wanted it.” The Doctor stroked his fingers lightly through the dark hair, feeling the small body in his arms starting to relax.

Tosh: Again with the not needing to break when it's the same person talking.

“The problem is when he hits something he has never encountered before. Everything here is completely beyond his experience.”//Better now?// He asked as Raiko slumped against him completely. The dark head nodded, and the Doctor smiled at Ianto.

Tosh: And again.

“See, all better.”
He set Raiko on the ground, and he and Ianto each took a hand, leading him between them to the mall.

Tosh: Awww!
Doctor and Owen: [stare at her]
Tosh: What, it's a cute image.
Doctor: [same time as Owen] Humans.
Owen: [same time as the Doctor] Women.

Inside the mall, Raiko flinched slightly at the increase in noise, but blocked it quickly enough, and looked around the cavernous building in shock.
//Space ship?// He asked.
//No, commerce center.// The Doctor said dryly, earning a disbelieving look from the five year old.

Owen: [snickers]

//So many, so much.//
//I know.//
“I wish I could understand him,” Ianto said a little mournfully.

Doctor: I wish you people would use proper grammar.

“Oh Rassilon, sorry Ianto, I didn’t think. As soon as we get to the TARDIS, she can tune into you and translate between the two of you.” The Doctor looked over at him apologetically.

Doctor: But that's not how the Tardis translation system works!

“You didn’t do it on purpose. Come on, lets hit the shops.”
They got the clothes first, as they were most important. He had a short attention span as an adult on occasions, and they knew that as a child, he was likely to be worse. Once they were happy that had enough clothes to last a five year old a fortnight, the Doctor grinned.

Tosh: There may have been a slight pronoun problem in that paragraph.
Doctor: Nice alliteration.
Tosh: Thanks.

“Right, now the fun stuff, bucket and spade, beach toys, whatever.” He dragged them toward a toyshop as he spoke.
They wandered around the shop as they looked at toys, neither noticing as Raiko stopped to look at something brightly colored that had caught his eye.

Doctor: We're the worst adults ever. Who spends more time looking at the toys that at their own kid?
Tosh: Technically, he's not your kid.
Doctor: I'm in charge of him. That's all I meant. Honest.
Owen: [snorts]

By the time he looked around, there was no sign of either of the adults. He started to panic as he looked for them.

Doctor: At what age do you learn to stay in one place if you get lost on this planet?
Tosh: Younger than five.

It was the Doctor who noticed they had lost the smallest member of their party.
“Hell, where’s Raiko?” He asked Ianto.
“What?” Ianto asked, spinning to look for himself.

Owen: [as Ianto] Ah, shit, where'd I go? How can I be expected to look after a kid when my own body keeps wandering off on me?
Tosh: [giggles]

They searched the aisles quickly, and Ianto saw the rising panic in the Doctor’s eyes as they realized there was no sign of the child in the shop.

Owen: Because they're both idiots and neither of them noticed that he didn't walk in with them.
Doctor: [taps fingers on desk]
Owen: Oh, right. Sorry.

“Calm down. Come on.” Ianto dragged the Doctor over to the counter and spoke to the assistant there.
“Could you call center security please. The little boy we came in with has gotten separated from us. He’s not in the shop, and we’re concerned that he may have wandered into the center somewhere.”

Tosh: That should be central security, not center security.
Doctor: And that's not the only thing wrong with that sentence.

“Hold on a sec,” she said, grabbing the phone from the wall at the back of the till and calling security.
“Can you describe the child?” The security guard asked as soon as he arrived.

Doctor: Well, that was quick.

“This tall, dark hair, blue eyes. Dressed in blue jeans, and black t-shirt.” The Doctor responded.
“And his name?”
“Raiko. Um, he doesn’t speak any English, at all.”
“Right.” The guard lifted his radio to his mouth and passed on the information.
“Is he your son?”
“No, we’re looking after him for his parents, or we’re supposed to be.” Ianto supplied.

Doctor: Obviously, we're not doing such a great job. In fact, we fail miserably. You should probably call child protection.

“Have you called them?”
“I can’t, they’re out of contact. He can’t have got that far, right? He was only out of sight for a minute.”

Owen: You don't know that. You didn't even notice him not going into the shop with you!

“He’ll be in the center somewhere. We’ll find him.” The guard assured them.
“We should go and look too,” The Doctor said.
“No, you need to stay here. As soon as he’s found, you’ll know about it.”

Tosh: Or one of you can stay and the other go. I assume you've both got mobile phones.
Doctor: Jiggery-pokered and everything. Well, I do. I suppose this Ianto fellow has some Torchwood issued thing.

His radio crackled a few minutes later, and he listened to the report.
“They have a boy matching his description by the fountain on the lower level, kid is pretty hysterical, and not talking English.”

Tosh: And on the lower level. You left him downstairs?
Doctor: It wasn't me!

“Show us, please,” Ianto said.

Owen: [as Ianto] We don't know how to find the stairs. They are foreign to us.

The guard led them down to the fountain, and they saw Raiko, his back pressed to the white marble, sobbing his heart out. He saw the Doctor and Ianto and ran to them, sobbing into the Doctor’s neck as the time lord picked him up.

Doctor: Time Lord should be capitalized.
Owen: Sobbing your heart out sounds painful.
Tosh: It is. [pointed look at Owen, who is oblivious]
Doctor: [pats her shoulder sympathetically]

//Shh, we’re here. Shhh. We were so worried when you weren’t there.//
//Sorry, I sorry.//

Doctor: I know three year olds who speak better than that.
Tosh: Really?
Doctor: Well, not human three year olds. But I'm sure most of them can.

//Hush, not your fault. Shhh.//
//Let’s get back to the TARDIS, and you can have some lunch and a nap, OK. We’ll be at the seaside tomorrow, we can get everything else there.//
Raiko snuffled into his neck, and nodded silently. He lifted his tear streaked face and looked at Ianto uncertainly, wondering if he was cross. Ianto kissed the boy’s forehead, and hugged both him and the Doctor at once.

Doctor: [snidely] We're just one happy little family, aren't we?

“Come on, we have a holiday to get ready for,” he said, planting a light kiss on the Doctor’s lips.

Doctor: In the middle of the mall. With Young Jack sitting right there.  I don't even know this guy!
Tosh: I warned you. [injects Doctor with tranquilizer]
Doctor: [slumps into unconsciousness]

“Thank you for finding him,” the Doctor said to the security men who were still around.
“No worries, kids wander off all the time in here.” One smiled, shooing his colleagues off, and following them after ruffling Raiko’s hair.

Owen: I don't think that's anything to brag about.

Raiko was asleep in the Doctor’s arms by the time they got the hub.

Tosh: We waited until it was fast asleep, then we tackled it and screamed "Gotcha!" like a group of teenage girls.

Owen saw the tear streaks on his face.
“What happened?” He asked.
“He got lost in the mall, he’s OK,” Ianto said as the Doctor carried Raiko into the TARDIS.
“When are you planning on taking him off to Southend?”
“Tonight, late on so that the TARDIS can materialize without attracting too much attention. Why?”

Tosh: Later on. Isn't his ship cloaked or something?
Owen: Well, we noticed it.
Tosh: We're trained to notice it.
Owen: No we're not.
Tosh: Oh. [thinks] You're right.
Owen: Of course I am.

“I have some tags at home that my sister left behind. You put one half on the kid, and the other you keep. If the kid gets too far from the adult, and alarm sounds. I can get them, if you can wait for me to get back.”

Owen: That doesn't sound legal.
Tosh: Just up your alley, then.

Tosh: But somehow, I expected Ianto to object on moral grounds.
Owen: I think you're confusing him with Gwen.
Tosh: I am not, Gwen can't make coffee worth crap.

Ianto headed into the TARDIS, and found the Doctor sitting on the side of Raiko’s bed, stroking the sleeping child’s soft cheek gently.
“Owen went to get some tags from home, so we’ll know if he wanders off when we’re away,” Ianto said, resting a hand on the Doctor’s shoulder. He realized the man was shaking.
“I thought we lost him.” The Doctor whispered.

Owen: Oh, of all the melodramatic over-reactions-!

“I know, but we didn’t. He’s here, and he’s safe, and we know that while we’re away, we’ll know if he wanders away again.”

Owen: I expected him to object on moral grounds.
Tosh: [nods]

The Doctor stood up and drew Ianto into his arms, kissing him deeply.
“I’m glad you joined us, Ianto Jones. We love you, I love you.”

Owen: Except that they've never met.
Tosh: Don't you start.

“You never said that before.” Ianto blinked away tears of happiness.
“No, I never really said it to him either. When we get him back to normal, we need to sit down and have a serious talk. I don’t think I can do it anymore.”

Owen: [snickers]
Tosh: Whatever you're thinking, Owen, I'm sure that's not it.

“Do what?”
“Come and see you both for a few days here and there, then go off and leave you behind again.” The Doctor leaned in and kissed Ianto again.
“But that’s a conversation for later, after we have Jack back, or know for sure that he’ll be Raiko forever,” the Doctor said firmly.

Tosh: And again with the no breaking when it's the same person speaking. Learn, damn you, learn!
Owen: Tosh. . .

“Agreed,” Ianto said a little breathlessly as the Doctor kissed him again.
“Come on, we should go and sort lunch out, he won’t sleep for long.”
The two slipped from the room, leaving Raiko sleeping happily, fluffy toy grasped tightly.

Owen: [opens mouth]
Tosh: Not one word, Owen. [holds up tranquilizer]
[The door opens and JACK, GWEN, and IANTO walk in. Jack looks around and see's the Doctor's unconscious form.]
Jack: Doctor! [rushes to him, checks his pulse(s), glares at Owen] What did you do to him!?
Tosh: I tranq'd him.
Jack: [looks at Tosh] Why?
Tosh: [points to computer] He was having a fit over this.
Jack, Gwen and Ianto: [peer over her shoulder]
Gwen: What is it?
Tosh: Well, apparently, you took an alien artefact that Jack had confiscated, and used it to turn him into a five year old child because you don't know when to give up-
Gwen: I know when to give up!
Jack: [pointedly] Bunker full of missing children.
[Before Gwen can respond, Jack walks into his office and drags out a chair. He sits down where he can see the screen and pulls the Doctor up into his lap.]
Jack: [looks at Tosh] Keep going.
Tosh: You're an alien, and you don't speak any English. And you, Ianto and him [nods at the Doctor] are in a relationship.
Jack: [confused] But the Doctor's never met-
Tosh: That's why he was having a fit.
Jack: I. . .see.

Alister heard the never forgotten sound of the TARDIS materializing in his garage,

Jack: Who's Alister?
Tosh: It was Alistair last chapter.
Owen: Former head of Unit. Doctor's old friend.
Jack: Oh. . .but if it was right last chapter. . .
Tosh: It's better not to dwell.

and glanced at the clock. 2am, it seemed his old friend was right on time for a change. He listened carefully as he left the kitchen and headed for the door in the hallway that connected with the garage, and heard nothing. He was relieved that none of his guests had seemed to have been disturbed by the sound.

Jack: Random people on the street aren't disturbed by the sound. Why would a bunch of people sound asleep at 2 A.M. be disturbed?
Tosh: Ignoring that, it's not proper to start a sentence with a number.

The door of the TARDIS swung open before he could knock on it, and the Doctor shot him a grin.
"Come in Alister, good to see you again."
"Good to see you too old friend.

Owen: Somehow, I doubt you're going to think that for long, mate.

Now, what was it you didn't want to tell me on the phone?" Alister asked as he stepped inside.
"Sorry about that, but I couldn't take the chance that anyone who has it in for Jack could be listening.

Jack: And the Doctor couldn't jiggery-poker a phone to Unit with a closed connection?
Tosh: We could.
Jack: That was kinda the point I was trying to make, Tosh.

There are people in all sorts of places he irritates slightly."

Jack: There are also people in all sorts of places that I make tingle quite pleasantly. And also all sorts of places in-
Owen: Don't you dare finish that sentence.
Tosh: [covering her ears] La La La!

"I recall. He irritated me for years. So what's Harkness done now?"

Jack: Yes, assume it's my fault.
Gwen: It usually is.
Nobody: [agrees]

"Nothing, it's something that was done to him." The Doctor was leading the other man through the corridors as he spoke, and now opened the door of a room.
Alister looked puzzled at the sight of a small child tucked up in the bed, soft toy clutched to his chest, thumb in his mouth as he slept, unaware of anyone watching him.

Owen: What's so puzzling about a small child?
Jack: It's in the Tardis.
Tosh: That's you, you know.
Jack: . . .Nope. I think I was better off before I knew that.

"A child? What has that to do with Harkness?"

Jack: Well, I have been pregnant once before. . .
Tosh: How exactly is that possible?
Jack: Oh, it's easy. In the future, plastic surgery goes way beyond touch-ups, and you can get basically as many of whatever organ you want, so long as it fits. I was young, I made a bet, I lost, I got a uterus.
Owen: And that's really way more than I ever wanted to know. [pause] You can get as many of whatever organ you want, huh?
Jack:  Oh, yeah. [leer] Guess how many-
Gwen: Jack!
Ianto: [intrigued]

"He is Jack, or at least, he was Jack, and hopefully will be again. His name is Raiko, he's five, and he doesn't speak, or understand, any English."
"What? How did this happen?"

Owen and Tosh: [point at Gwen]

"One of his people got hold of an alien device he had confiscated from Toshiko, they accidentally triggered it, and this was the result."

Gwen: They accidentally triggered it? When did I become a they?
Ianto: Maybe the Doctor is trying to spread the blame to all of us, not just you.
Owen: He better not get any on me.
Gwen: [sniffs] And how come Tosh gets a name but I don't?
Jack: You want to acknowledge your role in turning me into a five year old child?

"So why not just........."
"Because she damaged it too," The Doctor cut across him, knowing the question that was coming.

Tosh: There, you see, just you again. We all triggered the device, but you broke it.
Gwen: [indignant] This story is prejudiced against me!
Tosh: [headdesk]

"So why bring him here?"
"Two reasons. First time he grew up, his life was hard Alister, he deserves a break."

Jack: Right. And on Earth it's always a vacation for the Doctor. [huggles]

"And the second reason?"
"How safe would he be if anyone figured out that this little boy was Jack Harkness, head of Torchwood 3? I didn't say that to Ianto though, he has enough on his mind right now."

Ianto: I would have thought of it myself. Probably before the Doctor did.
Jack: You never know. He thinks faster than a human does.

"Ianto? Oh, Harkness's personal assistant."

Jack: Oh, is that what they're calling it now?

"More than that Alister. Jack's lover, and mine."
"You don't do things by half, do you? Avoid entanglements for hundreds of years, then take two lovers at once."

Jack: Not a bad idea, minus the whole 'avoid entanglesments for hundreds of years' bit.
Owen: You're shameless.
Jack: No. [motions to the Doctor] If I were shameless, he'd be naked by now.
Tosh: [rubs temples] Bad images, bad images.

The Doctor chuckled at Alister's words, then closed the door so there was no chance of them waking Raiko.

Jack: The doors on the Tardis are not soundproof. Speculate amongst yourselves as to how I know that. I dare you.

"You sure you're OK with us being here Alister? If you're not, I can take Ianto and Raiko off world for a fortnight."
"You're always more than welcome here my friend.

Jack: Somehow, I find that hard to believe.

Why two weeks specifically though?"
"Because that's when we'll know if this is reversible or not."
"And if it's not?"

Jack: Then I get the Doctor and Ianto as my new daddies. Could be worse.

"I don't know, I don't really want to think about it to be honest Alister."
"Well, I have to go and get some sleep, I have to get up to get breakfast on the table for 7am.

Tosh: At 7 A.M.

 I have rooms for you, if you want them."
"Thanks for the thought Alister, but I'd rather have Raiko in the safety of the TARDIS when he's sleeping."

Jack: The Tardis is not a safe place to sleep. Once, she rearranged herself while I was sleeping and I ended up wandering around for hours trying to find the control room.
Owen: Bet you deserved it for something.
Jack: Well. . .maybe just a little.

"As you wish. You will join us for meals though, won't you?"
"Love to, thanks Alister."
"Welcome. See you all at breakfast."

Ianto: In five hours.

Ianto was carrying Raiko when they came into the house at 7.30am, Alsiter

Owen: Oh, for fuck's sake!
Tosh: Alistair, Alister, Alsiter. What's next?
Jack: Allstar.

saw them and smiled. The boy was barefoot, dressed only in a sleeveless t-shirt and three quarter length shorts,

Tosh: [cough]Capri's.[cough]

nothing like the layers that he was used to Jack Harkness wearing. He had seen the torchwood medic stripping the man down after an incident once,

Owen: And he watched the medic strip you because?
Jack: I'm irresistable like that.

height of summer and he had been wearing his greatcoat, a jacket, shirt, and undershirt.

Jack: How did I do that, exactly?

The boy pulled his head away with a small frown as Ianto attempted to tidy the unruly mop of dark hair.

Jack: I was blond as a child.

"This way to the dining room, help yourselves to breakfast," Alister said cheerfully, coming out of the kitchen.
"Nice to see you again Mr. Jones."

Tosh: [annoyed] One line. One. Not two, one.

"And you Brigadier, but call me Ianto, please."
"And I'm Alister then."
"Alister, this is Raiko." The Doctor said.
Alister looked into the sharp, intelligent blue eyes and smiled.
"Hello young man."
Raiko cocked his head, looking at the stranger for a moment, the said something to the Doctor in a completely unfamiliar language. The Doctor replied in the same tongue, and the boy looked back to Alister.
"Hel-lo." He said, obviously having trouble getting his tongue around the unfamiliar word.

Ianto: Hello isn't a hard word to learn or pronounce, even if you don't speak English as a first language.
Tosh: Maybe he's speaking in binary.

They went through to the dining room, and Ianto put Raiko down on a seat at an empty table as the Doctor went to get together some plates of breakfast.

Gwen: Shouldn't he be in a booster seat or something?

Raiko looked around curiously at the other families eating breakfast, and the children looked at him just as curiously.

Owen: The other children, having never seen someone who looked remotely similar to them, gawked at the little boy. Likewise, despite looking human, Jack/Raiko had never seen another child anything like the ones he saw now.

//Here, eat up, we'll go and explore after breakfast.// The Doctor put one of the plates he carried down in front of Raiko, and gave another to Ianto.

Jack: Where'd he carry the plate down from?
Ianto: Maybe the 'author' meant placed.

After breakfast, they headed out to have a look around. Alister's guest house was on the front, and they stepped straight out onto the promenade. In front of them, the sea glistened brightly in the sunlight, and the sand was already filling up with people out to enjoy the sun.

Tosh: Sand doesn't fill with people. The beach fills with people.
Jack: People fill with sand. Trust me, it gets everwhere.
Gwen: Jack!

"Right, we need to get the beach toys, and I think some sunblock will be a good idea, just in case. He's never been exposed to the UVA and UVB of Sol before."

Ianto: Why can't he just say 'the sun'?
Jack: I'm human! [annoyed]

"So how did he deal with it as an adult?"
"The Time Agency made sure all it's agents were immune to the effects of solar radiation of all planets in there jurisdiction.

Jack: The Time Agency didn't have jurisdictions. We were Earth-based.
Tosh: And "it's" isn't possesive, it's a contraction oof 'it is'. Also, that's the wrong form of "their".
Jack: Oh, and by the way, one of the side effects of the immortality is immunity to radiation. Obviously.

One of the few things they did that I actually approve of," The Doctor sighed.
"So, if he's still immortal, wouldn't that have carried over too?"

Jack: Thank you. I walked into a room full of lethal radiation, the sun has nothing on that!
Ianto: When was that?
Jack: At the end of the universe.
Everyone else: ...
Jack: Remember that time I swanned off for about three months without telling you where I was going? You know, just after I came back from being dead for three days?
Everyone else: Oh.

"Not a chance I want to take."

Owen: Didn't the Doctor say earlier that he was definitely immortal?
Tosh: I believe he did.

 The Doctor leaned over to kiss Ianto lightly as he spoke.

Ianto: Who is this guy, again?
Jack: [points at lap]

"I suppose not. There are shops on the pier, I think."

Owen: Where else would the shops be?
Jack: Well--
Gwen: Jack! No!

"Let's have a look then."
They got the supplies they wanted,

Jack: Well! There are children present, Ianto!
Ianto: [sighs]

and headed down to the beach. Raiko was fascinated as his bare feet sank into the sand and it welled up between his toes.

Jack: Yes, because, despite having grown up on a beach, I don't understand sand.
Tosh: Earlier, it said you didn't understand what the seaside is.
Jack: Well, that's just stupid.

He crouched down to run his fingers through the warm grains.
//Nice.// He murmured.
//Yes. This is sand, that is the sea.// Ianto told him, grateful that the TARDIS was translating between them now.

Jack: The Tardis always translates, you don't have to wait for it.

He and the Doctor took their shoes and socks off, rolled up their trouser legs and led Raiko down to the waters edge.
He squealed, and tried to pull away as the first wave washed over his feet.
//It won't hurt you Raiko, promise,//

Owen: Unless you swallow it or get it in an open wound.
Jack: Or--
Gwen: JACK!

The Doctor assured him as he and Ianto splashed a little with their feet.

Ianto: Are we stomping around or something?

//Safe?// Raiko asked doubtfully.

Tosh: You're right to be doubtful. They're actually planning on eating you, the ocean is a marinade.
Jack: Or it's l--
Gwen: Jack! It's a little kid!
Jack: [annoyed] I knew that.

//As long as Ianto and I are with you, yes.

Jack: [snorts derisively]
Owen: 'Cos that worked real well in the mall. Oh, wait.

You mustn't play in the sea alone though,//

Owen: Or else you'll drown.
Jack: Or be seduced by mermaids.
Gwen: Jack!
Jack: What? It's happened to me before!

//'K,// The boy agreed.
Alister was in the front garden of the house, watering his plants when they came back later in the afternoon.

Tosh: It would be great if there were page breaks between changes in point of view.

He took one look at them and laughed, they were all soaked, and covered in sand. They all looked very happy too, and he was pleased his old friend was happy, despite one of his lovers having been regressed to a five year old.

Jack: There's so much I could say to that,  I don't even know where to start.
Ianto: How about at 'who is this guy'?
Jack: I was thinking of starting at 'the Doctor is happy?'

"Had a good day?" He chuckled.
"Yes, thank you," The Doctor said, grinning at his friend.
"Do you mind if I make a suggestion, for tomorrow?"
"Go ahead."
"Invest in swimming trunks, unless you intended to bring half of the shore with you." He snorted.
The Doctor put on a look of injured dignity, and huffed, but it was spoiled by the twinkle in his eye.

Ianto: So, you decided to just ignore the swimsuits while you were at the shop?
Jack: No, you did.
Ianto: I refuse to be associated with this guy.

"Yes, well, if you'll excuse us, Alister, we have to go and get cleaned up."
"Dinner in an hour, my friend."

Jack: Very formal, this fellow.

"Thank you."
As they tucked Raiko into bed later, Ianto leaned back against the Doctor.
"You were right, bringing him here was a good idea."
"Yes, he had fun today, we all did. Come to bed Ianto, I want to make love with you."

Ianto: I don't have sex with strangers!
Jack: Keep telling yourself that.
Gwen: Jack!
Jack: How was that even offensive?!
Tosh: Jack! Don't interrobang!
Jack: Interrobang? Is that like--
Gwen: JACK!
Jack: Okay, Gwen, go find the weevil that we let go when I saw the Doctor. It's got to be around here somewhere.
Gwen: [groans] All by myself?
Owen: You know, it's probably statements like those that give people the impression that we're incompetent.
Gwen: [leaves in a huff]

Ianto turned where he sat, and pulled the Doctor down to kiss him.

Ianto: NO!

"Another good idea." He agreed.

Ianto: N-- I give up. [eyes the Doctor, sighs] At least he's cute.

The lights dimmed as they left the room hand in hand.

Jack: Well--
Ianto: Please don't.
Jack: [pouts]


Doctor and Donna
Doctor Who Mystery Science Theater

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