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More babyfic.

In this chapter, Rose gives birth. Yeah, already. If you've ever actually given birth, or seen someone do it, you may want to skip this one.

It’s another boring evening on board the TARDIS. The Doctor glances at the console.
Doctor: Do I dare…?
He types in a web address. All of a sudden, there is a flash of light and Brigadier Alistair Gordon Lethbridge Stewart looks around in surprise.
Doctor: Brigadier!
Brigadier: Doctor? Are you reading badfic?
Doctor: How do you know?
Brigadier: Miss Smith told me how the TARDIS kidnapped her for the sake of your sanity. *brandishes a gun* All right, let’s take a look at it.
Doctor: You can’t shoot the fic!
Brigadier: Nonsense. You can shoot anything.

The Doctor leant against the TARDIS console, bored. He wanted to go on an adventure, to have the exhilaration of running for his life yet again, but he couldn’t leave Rose, not when she was nearly nine months down the line. Her huge, swollen belly hardly let her walk let alone run. He would be happy when the pregnancy was over but he knew even when the child was born they wouldn’t be able to do as much as they used to do, at least until it was older, because that would mean putting it in danger.
Brigadier: Why on Earth are you travelling with a pregnant woman? Isn’t that a bit dangerous?
Doctor: Yes.

He hated calling their child it but they hadn’t found out the sex, Rose wanted to wait until it was born so it would be a surprise. On the scan the Doctor had done in the medical bay he had seen the baby was healthy, kicking, much to Rose’s discomfort, and it had two hearts but he had refrained, for Rose’s sake, from seeing the gender. They couldn’t do any check ups or have the labour in Rose’s home time because they would see the babies abnormalities, so the Doctor decided to deliver it himself in the TARDIS.
Brigadier: THEIR child?!
Doctor: …
Brigadier: Really, Doctor, I would’ve thought you’d be more careful than that!
Doctor: I didn’t do anything to anyone!
Brigadier: Really? Not even that feisty Australian girl you travelled with?
Doctor: Tegan? No.
Brigadier: Well what about Miss Grant? If I remember correctly, you were rather upset when she got married.
Doctor: No!
Brigadier: How about that chap in the kilt? You two seemed awfully close.
Doctor: Brigadier!
Brigadier: All right, all right. So why are you going to do the delivery yourself? I thought you weren’t a doctor of medicine.
Doctor: I’m not. I like to think I’d go to a hospital where there are midwives, even if the baby IS an alien.

“Doctor!” the Doctor heard Rose’s cry for help and sprinted towards the sound. He skidded down a corridor and saw Rose collapsed on the ground, breathing heavily. She looked up, her eyes glistening with pain and happiness.
“I think I’m in labour.”
“Jeez,” the Doctor yelped and hurried over to her, “Here, we better get you to the med bay.” The Doctor bent down and picked up the heavy woman with ease, his skinny frame belying his actual strength. He headed to the medical bay and laid Rose down gently on a bed.
“So, Doctor, have you actually ever done this before?” Rose grunted as a contraction gripped her.
“Well, not exactly,” the Doctor ran his fingers through his brown hair making it stick up in odd tufts.
“Oh great,” Rose blew out a long breath, fighting the pain, “What do you mean not exactly?”
“Er…it was just a nicer way of saying…no,” the Doctor grinned sheepishly, “But I’m sure I can do it, I learn quickly.” Rose groaned and then grabbed the Doctor’s hand as another contraction came.
Doctor: …OK, I may be a genius, but I’m not going to deliver my own baby without any training at all!
“How long is this gonna take?” Rose asked, “I’m in agony!”
“It depends,” the Doctor shrugged non-committal.
“Ow!” Rose wailed and squeezed the Time Lord’s hand until it felt like his fingers would break.
“You know, I won’t be able to deliver the baby if you cripple me,” the Doctor remarked, prising his fingers away.
“Sorry,” Rose smiled weakly. The Doctor went to the end of the bed.
“Right, I would say you’re nearly there. On the next contraction push,” the Doctor ordered.
Brigadier: What?!
Doctor: What?
Brigadier: Well, I may not be a woman, but I am a married man with children and I know you don’t go from thinking you’re in labour to being able to push in less than a minute! Poor Doris was in labour with Kate for eighteen hours!
Doctor: *goes pale*

“Easier said than done,” Rose retorted, her face contorted in pain.
“Push!” the Doctor said. Rose complied, pushing with all her might.
“And again,” he said as Rose stopped, panting.
“I’m trying,” Rose moaned.
“Rose,” the Doctor soothed, “Come on.” The exhausted woman heaved herself up and pushed. “I can see the head!” the Doctor shouted in joy.
“Good for you,” Rose said sarcastically and then winced.
“Last push, Rose, make it a big one,” the Doctor urged her on, grinning the whole time.
“Well I’m glad someone’s enjoying this,” Rose said bitterly and then put her remaining strength into the last push. “Ahh!” The slippery bundle fell into the Doctor’s waiting arms and he gasped.
“What is it? What’s wrong?” Rose asked concerned, trying to sit up and see.
“N, nothing, I just can’t believe it,” the Doctor assured her, “It’s a boy!”
“Let me see,” Rose tried to move herself but couldn’t and slumped back. The Doctor stood up and moved to Rose’s head. He held the tiny baby in a blue blanket so just its head and one little arm stuck out, the fingers flexing experimentally. Rose had tears in her eyes when the Doctor handed over their baby boy. She peeped at the face and smiled as the baby’s eyes opened.
“Ok, why isn’t he crying?” Rose asked, slightly worried, “Aren’t babies supposed to cry when they’re born?”
“Oh well that is one Time Lord Baby difference, they aren’t as loud as humans so you should get some sleep,” the Doctor grinned, putting an arm round Rose and gazing at their son.
Doctor: I thought I’d never done this before? Why would I know that? What if something really is wrong?! Why the hell didn’t I take her to a hospital?!
Brigadier: Because she gave birth in two minutes. And because this is fiction. And because the author knows as much about childbirth as you.

“He’s beautiful,” Rose whispered, holding the small warmth close to her.
“Yes, just like his mum,” the Doctor kissed Rose on the cheek.
“What are we gonna call him?” Rose questioned suddenly. The Doctor thought for a moment.
Brigadier: You didn’t think of a name beforehand?
Doctor: I guess I didn’t…
Brigadier: I’m sure that’s not normal.
Doctor: Brigadier, get some perspective. She gave birth in two minutes. None of this is normal.

“I don’t mind,” he said.
Doctor: Er, scuse me butting in here, but I think I would have SOME opinion on the name of my child! What if she names it Davros?
“Well, I do kinda like the name…” Rose stopped, looking at the Doctor.
“Um…well I was kinda wondering whether there were like any Time Lordy names that you could think of,” Rose skipped what she was going to say.
“Yes, there are plenty, such as Dalansinomytnisgyn or Zackshidgethehehnym or Prynthimumnghtes. But what were you going to say?” the Doctor queried.
Doctor: …
Brigadier: *laughs until he cries*

“Well, I wanted to have a name that was from Time Lord origin but if they are all like that I don’t think I would be even able to pronounce my own kid’s name,” Rose looked disappointed.
“Well, you could shorten it, what’s the name you want? Maybe there is a longer version,” the Doctor asked.
“Is that why you are called the Doctor cos otherwise no one would be able to pronounce your name?” Rose blurted out.
Brigadier: I thought your name was John Smith?
Doctor: Actually, Jamie picked it off the side of a box.
Brigadier: Smart lad. It’s certainly better than Dalansinomytnisgyn.

“Rose, what’s the name?” the Doctor ignored her previous question.
“Alfie, I’ve just always liked that name,” Rose said.
“Alfieterinumlywigduhsk,” the Doctor said.
“You just made that up on the spot didn’t you?” Rose asked sceptically.
“Maybe, maybe not, does it really matter?” the Doctor smiled, “He’s called Alfie.”
“Ok,” Rose stared down at the sleeping baby in her arms and nodded, “Our little baby boy.”
Doctor: So… what about paperwork and vaccinations and medical tests to make sure mum hasn’t ruptured something? What about Staph B and internal haemorrhage and childbirth fever and all the other the other things that can go wrong? What about the afterbirth?!
Brigadier: Maybe it’s in the next chapter. Although I don’t think I want to stick around for that. Can you take me home? You can stay for dinner, if you like. Doris has been asking about you.
Doctor: How are you going to explain my face?
Brigadier: Ah. Good point. Um… Witness Protection?
Doctor: Works for me.


( 21 comments — Leave a comment )
Mar. 27th, 2007 05:47 pm (UTC)
Yes, the afterbirth...you know that thing that comes out AFTER the baby you complete moron of a writer...
Mar. 27th, 2007 06:12 pm (UTC)
Brigadier: "Nonsense. You can shoot anything."

That single line was better than anything in the fic! Well, not that there was much competition... but still, hilarious. :)

From what I've heard from women I know who have given birth, smiling and apologising meekly while in labour is not something that could possibly happen. Honestly: If you were in labour, experiencing excruciating pain, and the progenitor of the child complained about his hand being a bit crushed, what would *you* do?
Mar. 28th, 2007 10:32 am (UTC)
Honestly: If you were in labour, experiencing excruciating pain, and the progenitor of the child complained about his hand being a bit crushed, what would *you* do?

He wasn't around, but my best friend got a stream of expletives after that complaint. ^^
Mar. 28th, 2007 03:46 pm (UTC)
Honestly: If you were in labour, experiencing excruciating pain, and the progenitor of the child complained about his hand being a bit crushed, what would *you* do?

Ask him if he'd prefer I crush some other part of his anatomy.
Mar. 27th, 2007 07:05 pm (UTC)
2 minutes?! Jesus H Christ my mother was in labour with me for 25 hours! I know the kid is half-alien but good god...

And from what I heard from my mum, she called my dad and all the medical crew every name under the sun. Which is very unusal as she is suck a meek character.
Mar. 27th, 2007 07:29 pm (UTC)
Brigadier: Nonsense. You can shoot anything.

That's such a perfect Brigadier line. I can just see him looking down his nose as he says it.
Mar. 27th, 2007 08:26 pm (UTC)
How to give birth:

1. Lie down on bed.
2. Have one contraction.
3. Have friend catch the baby.
4. Congratulations!

...Seriously, I've never seen anyone give birth but I know what an umbilical cord is. And that you need to take your pants off first. Sheesh.
Mar. 27th, 2007 08:45 pm (UTC)

1. Lie down on bed.
2. Have one contraction.
3. Have friend catch the baby.
4. Congratulations!

Mar. 28th, 2007 10:33 am (UTC)
1. Lie down on bed.
2. Have one contraction.
3. Have friend catch the baby.
4. Congratulations!

If only!
Mar. 27th, 2007 08:48 pm (UTC)
Oh sweet Jesus. From what I know of childbirth (which, admittedly, is extremely little. Most of it is from sex-ed classes in middle school) it takes a little longer than two minutes! More like something along the lines of just over a day.

Brigadier: Nonsense. You can shoot anything.
This line has my eternal love.
Mar. 27th, 2007 09:14 pm (UTC)
I haven't cried this much since Adric died[/quote].

Srsly, I wish my births had been as easy as this.
Mar. 27th, 2007 11:37 pm (UTC)
I had an unusually fast first labour - only 10 hours. That stressed the baby enough she couldn't maintain her body temperature at first and had to spend her first twelve hours rolled up in a blanket under a heat lamp. But in standard Western medical practice there's a lot that goes on especially just after the baby comes, like, yes, the afterbirth and certain injections, not to mention the APGAR scores for the baby - checking breathing, reflexes, etc.

The statistics for undeveleoped countries where you give birth at home with no qualified medical help available are one in three ends in the death of the baby within the first month, and one in nine ends in the death of the mother. What do you think kept the global human population under control?

Mar. 28th, 2007 08:02 am (UTC)
Well, they don't have _sonic screwdrivers_, do they? I'm sure it can be used to fix anything that can go wrong with childbirth, or a new-born baby.

(Yes, I was ironic.)
Mar. 28th, 2007 12:31 am (UTC)
My mother was in labor with me for about fifteen minutes, but then, she was also only six months pregnant at the time.

Terrific MST.
Mar. 28th, 2007 10:39 am (UTC)
Oooh, ouch! Not good!
Mar. 28th, 2007 03:12 am (UTC)
Hee, I love these commentaries.
Interesting that the umbilical cord and placenta seem to have vanished into thin air.

Brigadier: Nonsense. You can shoot anything.
Heee! Win!
Mar. 28th, 2007 10:41 am (UTC)
I must admit I am intruiged by the vanishing afterbirth. I hope the Doctor gets Rose to a hospital if it doesn't show up!
Mar. 28th, 2007 08:26 am (UTC)
Also: *Alfie*? Seriously?

Ah, now I get it. It's named for the comic puppet ALF. As in Alien Life Form. *nods*

Concerning childbirth, apparently my sister-in-law almost gave birth to my nephew in the hospital parking lot. But it still (I think) took a couple of hours from the first contraction. *And* it was her second child.

According to Wikipedia, 13 hours is the average duration of labour for women giving birth for the first time...
Mar. 28th, 2007 10:44 am (UTC)
Ah, I missed the significance of Alfie. Here I thought it was a surprisingly nice, bland name for offspring. Oh well.
Apr. 5th, 2007 08:52 pm (UTC)
Gods some people.

You have the Brigadier spot on!
Oct. 22nd, 2011 01:07 pm (UTC)
I just wanna point out, four years later, that now there IS a baby whose name was Alfie on the show. 'Cept it wasn't Rose's child.

Great MST! I hate those Rose-and-the-Doctor twu luv babies and forever fics. Bleargh.
( 21 comments — Leave a comment )